You were a ghost. You were a phantom. You hid in mystery. You presented some queerness. You represented the word obscurity. You were an enigma.
The way it was, it began in a sweet exchange of words of appreciation, of knowing and cajoling. It sounded like you were somebody. You introduced yourself as someone well-known. I never expected to meet an enigmatic person like you.
I gathered from the fragments of your life narrative that something was unusual about you. But from the start, you disclosed about your means of living. It was not an ideal one, it was something others would scorn. The society might ostracize the kind of person you were, how you lived your somewhat ludicrous life.
One bit at a time, a piece of a ridiculous story, you told me this and that. You grew up without a father or a manly figure to mold you into proper manhood. You were a four-month old pitiful baby when he died. He left a thirteen-year old wife, an adolescent mother who was alone and ill-fated to brave the cruel world.
You never disclosed about those years of your infancy and early childhood. How was it when you were a small child and your mom was still an unsupported adolescent? How the two of you survived those cruel days, and who helped you through? But a ghost of the past started terrifying you between this time and your adolescence.
I wonder where your mom was when someone she had entrusted you to, began some promiscuity towards you. You were devoured like some fresh meat by a ferocious lion. You were sapped helplessly like a dying plant by pestering swarms of locusts. You became a damaged soul like some thrown trash. You became an innocent victim of some demonized woman who fed her flesh with lust.
You never divulged how long you suffered from such kind of animalistic abuse from the hands of a supposed protector of you. You never told me how your mother reacted towards that dysfunction at your home. There were years of undisclosed suffering and helplessness until you reached the second decade of existence.
I would assume that in your early 20’s you had a romantic involvement with an older woman who you got impregnated. You told me last year when you turned forty-seven, about a twenty-five year-old Indian daughter. It was not unusual that a young man sired a child with an older woman. But there was something more that shocked me about that girl.
How old was she when you had first become sexually involved with your own flesh and blood? It was mind-blowing. What really happened? Who initiated it all? Was there coercion, a criminal act? How long has it been going on? It is unusual here in our place to know about such an incestuous relationship.
But there was an even worse incident you told me about, a mind-blowing thing I heard for the first time. You worked in the adult entertainment industry, and your young mother too. There was an instance in which you signed a contract to work together with her. Without knowing that you would do a bed scene with her for an hour, you and her just went to the set. It was too late to refuse, both of you were trapped. You and she did it together.
You told me that she had a nervous breakdown afterwards. She would not speak for a long time, and needed to see a psychiatrist. It was a ridiculous and insane thing to be told of an outlandish solution regarding your mom’s condition. You and she would get married to continue your sexual relationship. There was a government doctor who would stay with you to check on your progress.
Your mom got impregnated by you thrice. Though you wanted the babies to get aborted, she protested and went all the way. She bore you three children. You had your first daughter with your Indian housekeeper, followed by your three daughters with your mother. You admitted to me that you also have numerous kids in different countries like Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, India and Pakistan.
You served in the military for some length of time, and that was how you were able to be in those perilous places. You experienced the cruelty in the battlefield, and in a civilian world. But you also inflicted pain and cruelty on several women during your military service. It was part of the war, you rationalized. In that period of your life, you got familiar with several military officials. In an unexplained turn of events, you work now with those military individuals in a shadowy kind of business.
We met online in August last year. I asked you a simple question, “Are you real?” You replied, “I’m a ghost.” Then, I replied back, “I’m scared.” What followed was a sweet exchange of words, of knowing each other, of getting attracted, and of falling in love. Though I tried to be discreet, and did not want to be reprimanded, “Fools rush in where angels dare not tread,” I entered a romantic relationship with you on the sixteenth of September last year.
It has not been an easy journey of romance, of a long distance relationship. I could not help doubts and fears to surface particularly at times you would not communicate for several days. Then, I met one of the women online who commented on your posts. She said you were friends, and treated you as an older brother. I believed her at first, but I sensed there was something else between the two of you.
It was a painful realization to learn that you had a sexual relationship with that woman. She hid in the alias “Bella James”. You tried not to offend her, and that intrigued me. She was married to an unfaithful man who sired her two boys. You met her online and offered her money and a job. So she came to your place and you had a night together. But as the days went by, it was disclosed that you really forced her that night, like some rape. But she never made a legal complaint. Maybe you let your money work.
It was Bella James who told me that you got numerous women almost in every corner of the earth. As someone who truly cared for you, I reasoned out that you only used them for sexual release. I was the one and only woman you really loved. As long as I could not see you and them together, and many of them were already in the past, I could tolerate them. Yet I was vexed with doubts and fears every time you would not communicate well.
I spent many sleepless nights and tear-filled days in my relationship with you. Every time you told me about any of your women, I hurt too deep even for tears. Then, due to the uncertainty of your commitment and true love, I asked for a break up a day before my birthday in January this current year. You never agreed with it, but I considered it real. I could not fully describe the pain and sadness I went through that period of time.
You never opened your Messenger for a very long time. I always checked on it if you had seen my messages, but it never happened. You opened it once or twice in a month yet you never read my messages. I had tried to reach out to you again, to ask for your forgiveness and to let you know that I still loved you. I tried to find you in many accounts in your name. Then, I found a new account named to you with no any like or following yet.
I was the first one who liked it. Then, I messaged you privately asking for your forgiveness, telling you that I still loved you and hoping for another chance. You did not react right away, nor reply anything. I tried to follow you on your public pages, and messaged you in private. Then, you began to warm up to me again. You began to chat back with me. So we just found ourselves back in each other’s arms once more.
I think it is one of the hassles to be in a long distance relationship. We do not really see each other, and somehow assess our physical, mental and emotional states. Our communication is also at stake as you usually travel and go out of the country. It is your habit not to tell about your travels and whereabouts. During these silent days, I become overwhelmed with doubts, fears and sadness that all I can do is to shed bitter tears. But of course, I always run to God in earnest prayers.
I got a bombshell of a news when you told me that you and your mom met again in a fucking spree in Singapore last February. I could not contain the pain, anger and jealousy I had inside of me. I felt like exploding into emotional smithereens. I could not help but to call you pigs and dogs doing such an animalistic act. I hated you both for doing that incestuous act again.
Then, we tried to hold on to an ever loosening grip of a romantic relationship. I hold on to it through ardent praying, reaching out to you though online, and in my mind and heart. I was blown away again when you told me about buying sex slaves. It was horrendous and insane. I never heard about this kind of sociopathic act firsthand before. It was too painful to learn about it from someone I deeply cared for. How could you do such a sick thing?
You tried to meet me a few times. I did not agree due to a very indecent proposal you made. You wanted an intimate time with me. I told you time and again that we should never do such a thing without marriage. You also persuaded me to be intimate with you online. We quarreled about it. So you would not communicate each time I turned you down.
I pitied you at the start upon knowing the childhood sexual molestation done to you by your own maternal aunt. My heart was somehow bruised when you told me about your young widowed mom who lost your dad at thirteen. I rebelled against those who manipulated you and your mom in the porn industry. It felt repugnant to hear about these things that were worsened by your present means of living.
The repugnance and complexity of your life urged me to present to you the ultimate solution to all these vile and damaging things wrought by the devil himself. Only he and his cohorts could ever bring such evils in your life and your family. You were lured to indulge in sexual pleasures in wrong ways with the wrong women. Incest is ever sinful and repulsive.
Only Jesus Christ, the bondage breaker, could ever save our lost souls and set us free. I told you about the way of salvation, that all of us are sinners who are condemned to hell. But God has loved us so much that He sent His only Begotten Son to die, suffer and rise again for our sins. We only have to put our full trust in Him, accept Him as our Lord and Savior.
I was so elated when you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, as I led you in the prayer of confession. You also told me that you had to do it again later by yourself to make sure you did it right. When your personal assistant found you praying, he even shed tears of joy and asked the CBCP head to lead you further. But I told you there was no need to do so.
I hoped that you would be true in making that greatest decision in one’s life. I had prayed that you really accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. I expected that you would change for good from that utterly miserable life you got. Its vileness, complexity and perversion are too deep to mend by even the greatest psychodoctor who has ever lived. Only Jesus can fully heal and transform you, and give you freedom and hope in life.
But now, you are gone in my life, without telling me why nor ever saying a simple goodbye. It has broken me into pieces when I suddenly learned you became unavailable on Messenger. It’s the only online platform we have communicated for one year. I could not forget that fateful date of the fifteenth of August this year.
You will live in my memory as the man I have fallen in love with so deeply but painfully. I have told you a few times that you’re the worst man I have ever known. Those queer reasons that you got involved in incestuous relations with your mother, daughters and aunts, you had worked in the porn industry, you actually bought sex slaves and you’re working with big people but in questionable ways, are more than despicable enough to shun you away. But love has been stronger, or maybe blinder, to accept and understand you as you are.
I could not just forget you for opening your heart to and telling me those sweet thoughts with me. I could have doubted them but my heart seemed to melt digesting them. You told me that you loved me, you’ve never loved that way before and you’d love me till your last breath. You told me many times that I was lovely and gorgeous, so attractive and irresistible to desire by you.
You often praised me for being smart and highly educated, though I could not help to badmouth you and turn to be repentant later. You lauded me for being refined like some royalty and that I deserved a better life. You even tried to offer me a condominium unit, a California house, travels and later, marriage. But I never took them seriously, as you never showed up formally to present yourself and your nuptial plans.
It was funny or ridiculous when you chatted with me after New Year’s Day. You told me that you saw me and flattered me by saying I was more beautiful in real life than in pictures. I was with my cousin that time in a Chinese store at the New Market on the last day of December last year. We never noticed when you approached us, and we just remembered that you stood near us for a few seconds but never thought it was actually you. You stalked us, and you have stalked us a few more times, I just simply know.
I appreciate the scarred but defiant and still vulnerable soul within you. I know you have been through so much in the horrendous childhood you got. You had been taken advantage of and manipulated by those evil people in your past. The devil has distorted some of your thought processes and so, you remain in an enslaving addiction you have now. But you keep holding on right where you are despite the pain and shame you feel.
Hopeless Bounty. That’s the nickname you gave yourself. I don’t know what’s behind it. But I think it’s about the bounty your bosses promised you if you could ever do your Ukraine mission. It has never succeeded so far, thus hopeless. Maybe, it’s also about the futility of marrying and winning me as your bride, the one who has truly loved you better than any woman, even your own obscure mother, as you told me.
My beloved, you’re never without hope. There’s always hope for you, for anyone who acknowledges God and invites Him in his life to be his Lord and Savior. God can forgive even the vilest sinner, the worst man who humbly asks for forgiveness of his sins. No matter how vile and vain he has been, no matter how queer and enigmatic his life has been, God is calling for his name and beckoning him to come to Him and experience His joy, love, peace and freedom from the bondage of sins. That’s the ultimate hope for you.
08.23.23
kathangpinayniodesalle 